I learned that sex is powerful – that it’s one of the most powerful of all human desires and that I couldn’t keep it locked up in a dirty disgusting closet. I had to channel it and embrace its power. Either I controlled it, or it controlled me. It was that simple. I no longer saw it as a minor character defect, or something guys did. My sexuality was broken and I had to fix it and prioritize healthy sexuality for the rest of my life.

I learned that traditional recovery methods like 12 Steps aren’t very effective. Studies show that they have a very small success rate, even in the areas where they’re supposedly most effective – drugs and alcohol. I asked myself, “how could 12 Steps work for compulsive sexual behavior, if it wasn’t working for drugs and alcohol?” This doesn’t mean that these programs don’t save lives. They do. It’s just that our knowledge of this affliction is evolving and that better and more effective techniques exist beyond 12 Steps, and the disease based model of addiction. Some think it’s the only path to recovery. It’s not. Realizing this changed my life.

I learned that sex addiction or porn addiction is not a recognized disorder by the American Psychological Association… – Huh? Every professional I saw officially diagnosed me as a “sex addict” – no one mentioned any of the challenges inherent in this “off label” diagnosis. No one told me that a number of very well qualified experts in human sexuality have been vocally protesting the use of a 75 year old program (12 Steps) and the disease based model for years. I learned that there were other powerful tools out there that could help me move forward faster. In fact, The American Society for Sex Educators Counselors & Therapists (ASSECT), the leading, oldest and highest educated group of sexual treatment providers in the United States is on record stating: “AASECT 1) does not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and 2) does not find the sexual addiction training and treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge.”

I learned the scientific fact that my triggers were biologically hardwired and that they weren’t going away . . . wait … what???? What do you mean my triggers are biologically hardwired and that they aren’t going away? All that shame I experienced when I got triggered to act out after my therapy sessions wasn’t because I was a dirty disgusting scumbag? It was because I’m human. I learned that, since these triggers weren’t going away, I had to use them to drive positive action. I had to use my triggers to “hack” or interrupt my habit cycle.

I learned that I could get further, faster in my growth and development by moving towards the life I wanted. Instead of obsessively focusing on the life I was running away from, I started to obsess on the one I wanted to create and my progress exploded. Who was I? What kind of man did I want to be? What did I want to accomplish on this earthly plane? In answering and acting upon these questions my evolution accelerated … and I was happy … and hungry.

I learned that to break a habit you must make a habit – this is a scientific fact. Learning this helped me realized that I had to do something else. I could no longer obsessively focus on what I didn’t want to do. I had to take action.

I learned that mindfulness was one of the most powerful behavior change modalities on the planet and I knew nothing about it. I consumed myself with this discipline and my life literally changed. I could better manage my triggers, repel negative thoughts quicker and I simply felt better.And when combined with habits, these two teachings together are nothing short of revolutionary. When I realized that I was either mindful – living in the present moment, on purpose, without judging the dialog in my head and NOT automatically responding to external stimuli or triggers – or … I was stuck in Habitland – not being present, judging the negative self talk, living in reaction to my childhood stories and patterns, … and AUTOMATICALLY responding to my external stimuli – my life changed.