What if Your Sex/Porn Addiction is A Solution?

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The golden rule of behavior modification is “to break a habit you have to make the right habits that meet the right needs.” This rule implies that compulsive sexual behavior is meeting needs … because it is. Consider viewing your problem instead as a SOLUTION so you put yourself in the best position to develop a better SOLUTION. Failure to understand the needs that your compulsive sexual behaviors are meeting is huge. This perspective will completely change the way you think about your problem!!!!

[00:00:10] You are listening to sex, afflictions and porn addictions. I’m your host, Craig Perra. And today we’re going to talk about your compulsive sexual behavior. Instead of being a problem. I’m going to invite you to look at it as a solution. Obviously not the solution. And let me let me let me tell you what I mean by that. First of all, this podcast is to help you create healthy sexuality and a great life. The reason is because those two things are inextricably intertwined, healthy sexuality and great life. So please keep that in mind. Too many of you are spending too much time on the break, a habit part of the equation and not nearly as much time as you need on the make a habit part of the equation. So I heard a podcast over the course of the past week and I and I’ve got to I’ve been unable to find it. It was just one of those things that popped on. You know, I listen to like a three minute little blurb on Instagram reels and basically it was talking about alcoholism being the solution, you know, being his solution, being a solution instead of the problem. And I thought this was really interesting because those of you who listen to the podcast, you’ve heard me say before, to break a habit, you have to make the right habits that meet the right needs. To break a habit, you have to make the right habit that meets the right needs. That’s the expanded golden rule of behavior modification. And within that rule, this this this clause at the end that meets the right needs. What are we talking about? What we’re talking about is that your compulsive sexual behavior. No matter how destructive it is.

[00:02:22] And you can have two things coexist, right? You can have behavior that is causing serious negative consequences in your life. And that behavior can simultaneously be meeting needs. Okay. And here’s why. It’s very important for you to think about it as a solution. So first, a lot of people, when they start therapy, when they start counseling, they do a lot of work on the cost of their behavior. They spend a lot of time calculating the hours spent, the financial toll of those hours spent watching porn, for example. A lot of time and effort focused on how bad it is, the impact on the relationship, the impact on the individual. I think. Most people spend too much time doing that. They spend too much time doing that instead. But I want my clients focused on the needs that this behavior is meeting, the needs that this behavior is meeting. Because when you unpack that, when you ask yourself, answer the question how might this behavior have been a solution in my life? So you’re you’re you’re changing the perspective from the cost the problem. And listen, do that work, right? You’re here because this behavior is causing problems. It’s very important to understand those problems. But you got here and you got here because your compulsive sexual behavior is meeting needs. It’s a solution. It’s not the best solution. It’s not the solution, but it’s a solution. And that solution has been evolving over the course of multiple decades. So your porn use, for example, masturbation, whatever your sexual behavior it is. And now we’ve got camming, now we’ve got onlyfans. Now we’ve got that interaction piece. Oh my God, It was so much easier when I was a kid. That just wasn’t a possibility. It wasn’t a reality because you’re not only numbing, coping and escaping, which is what I was doing with my chronic porn use.

[00:04:51] Now there’s a component of significance to it. A significant right that attention, guys, tell me, like touch the bra strap, they’ll talk to the cam model and they’ll tell them to do something. And so there’s a whole spectrum of significance that this behavior is, meaning you’re getting attention, you’re made to feel like you’re important. So wherever you are in your journey, welcome, Rob. Along. Those of you joining us live really gives some serious time to exploring all of your compulsive sexual behaviors as solutions. And so what that means is what you have to do is you have to just first, I think, put aside. The ridiculous nature of that request. For some people, That’s preposterous. What do you mean? What do you mean solution? So if you’re there, then maybe this is not the right time for you, but get there quickly. And all I’m asking you to do is to be aware is this behavior meeting needs yes or no? Is this behavior Meaning means yes or no. And meaning is it helping you deal with life? Is it helping you escape? It is helping you function. Is it giving you a reward? Is it giving you a release? Is it giving you something to look forward to? Is it regulating your central nervous system? Oh, it’s regulating your central nervous system. And you’ve been using it like a medication to manage fear. Stress. Well, stress, anxiety, also known as fear. Oh, my God. Like. So it is a solution. It is meeting needs. You have to understand the behavior that the needs are meeting, because to break a habit, you have to make the right habit that’s meeting the right needs. And if you’re joining me live. Hey, Rob. What’s up, my man? Rob in the chat says, Oh, so I started using Relay and it’s really good.

[00:07:07] Those of you who’ve been listening to me know it is very rare that I promote a product. Very rare. Just because there’s so much bad information out there, the due diligence that’s required to vet everybody, I just said, forget it. No, you know, unless I have personal experience with the product, I am not going to recommend it. I love this relay app. So if you use para one PR a one, you can download the app in the first month is free, but it’s like dollars per month. I don’t remember the exact charge. Do your homework, do your research, Check it out. What the app gives you. It gives you community and it gives you accountability and it has you focus on what you should be focusing on, which is to make a habit part of the equation, which is the solution, self-care, etc.. And it does all that for a really, really, really low price. Now, listen, it’s not for everybody, but but it does provide that accountability. So check it out. You can see there’s a QR screen on the top right of my. Or left on my page and you can use the app. Hold on. You can use the go to w w w dot join relay dot app or search for the relay app on whatever app store I love. They put you in little pods, little pods and you’re anonymous, right? And you get to communicate, you know, the person’s age. They’re all guys. At least all the guys in my group in which I think is set up that way. And so you’re able to talk anonymously. And so for us guys who are so afraid of being vulnerable, this is a great first step for some people. So anyway, check it out.

[00:09:03] Join Relay dot app or search for the relay app on your store. And listen that that community, that accountability, that connection, that vulnerability that’s all part of the make a habit part of the equation. Okay. Whether you get it there, whether you get in there, my program, whether you get it someplace else, that’s all part of the make a habit, part of the equation and why you must be a. A zealot in pursuit. In understanding the needs that this behavior is meaning. You have to you have to. You have to. You have to. Because if you’re too focused on the negative, you’re not going to be aware of the positive. Yeah. Thank you, Rob. So I’m glad that you made that comment about Relay. So keep that in mind. I heard that in a podcast and I just wanted to recap it for everybody is to take some time to pause, reflect on you name your bad habit and this is doesn’t this does not just apply to sexual bad habits. It applies to any bad habit. And the sooner you connect with the reality that these bad habits are. Or contained in part trying to meet needs in the way that we were trained to meet those needs. The better off the this, the closer you are to meeting those needs proactively. Let me let me unpack that because that’s like what the what the freaking you talking about, Right. So the world I live in is where almost all behavior, every action that I take is a need seeking action, Every single one. Why would I be doing it if it wasn’t meeting a need? Okay, it’s all meeting needs there. There might be a few exceptions if I get startled or something like that, But.

[00:11:15] But we are complicated organisms designed to meet needs. And so when you look at the role that pornography has played, that masturbation has played, that secrets have played, that lying has played, that low, self-esteem has played in the evolution of this habit. You will come to see that it is meeting needs. Listen, it meets needs so well. It means it meets needs so well. Let’s say, for example, someone who is mentally unstable, very depressed, very anxious, suicidal ideations in need of immediate critical care. Okay. That guy goes into the porn addiction therapist. And the porn addiction therapist is trying to work on his porn addiction. That’s actually dangerous. This behavior is such a powerful coping strategy that removing that behavior from an unstable system can cause more harm. Can cause more harm. It’s irresponsible. It’s irresponsible to not understand this behavior in context and how it’s regulating a system. Because it works. There’s a cost, right? And the cost has brought you here. The the the the break a habit part. The not good enough the relationship implications implications on your libido and how you feel about yourself and what you’re watching. You know, are you a healthy sexual male? Your answer is no. That’s why you’re here, right? That’s why you’re here. And so so understanding the needs that the behaviors meeting is also important to help you cultivate and build healthy sexuality, whatever that means for you. But it means different things for different people. Be careful, other people telling you what is healthy for you. Both. Right. Open yourself to feedback and. And what? Sometimes, depending upon where you’re at, all you got is healthier. Right. All you got is healthier. And and the reason why is because this behavior has been meeting many powerful needs for many, many years.

[00:13:59] In from a very important perspective. This behavior is meeting needs and it is part of a solution. And that’s the perspective I want you to have in thinking about this problem, because that will help you create better solutions. All right. Well, listen, thank you for listening. If anybody has any chat and anybody has any questions, put them in the chat. And if you want to join me on these live streams, this is how I do it. You can follow me on YouTube, Facebook, Twitch, LinkedIn, and Instagram. So let me know if you have any questions. If things get a lot less complicated when you live, when you live in a reality where everything that you do, every action that you take is viewed as intentional from the parts perspective. Like there’s a part of me that intended to do that action. There’s a part of me that intended to lie. When I lie, there’s a part of me that intended to get angry when I got angry. There is a part of me that wanted to not interrupt that urge and feed that urge in that moment. Right. Assuming intentionality a part wants to get this need met. So Paul in the chat asked, How can I interrupt this urge in the moment? Very complicated questions. A host of really important things that you can do self-care, self-love, mindfulness, rigorous mindfulness training, but understanding. How can I interrupt this urge in the moment is to come up with a better solution. How can I interrupt this urge in the moment? The big picture answer, the destination when Paul’s on the other side of it is to meet that need proactively. Oh, ridiculously hard. Easy for me to say. All right. In the chat. You know, so hard.

[00:16:29] Ridiculously hard. Yeah. Nathan So. So in our program. Paul that would be a in the moment response is called your trigger response plan. Way to go, Nathan. Joining us on Twitch. So. How can I interrupt this urge in the moment? The like And like you read the book, right? You read the book, Chapter one. You learn self-control. Chapter two understand the needs that that these automatic behaviors are meaning. Chapter three Do the parts work. Chapter four If you’re in a relationship, let’s start studying those wounds that are getting triggered, you know, etc., etc.. Last chapter. Congratulations. You are meeting that need proactively. You are effectively regulating your central nervous system in a way that has that that that leaves you in control. That has you with the presence to manage those inevitable difficult moments when they occur, because there’s no reality where those difficult moments go away. In fact. You’ll have moments that are worse, unfortunately. Or. And that can be doom and gloom. And there are times in my life where that was all doom and gloom. So you mean this ends with me suffering the most excruciating pain? If I go before my wife, she’s gone. If I go before her, I go right. That pain, that suffering. And. I feel so much hope. I feel so much joy. I feel so much better having tools to manage those inevitable dark times. And I know, like in my heart, not in my mind, not in my thoughts. But it will pass and there is hope It will pass and there is hope. And that’s the essence of recovery, this belief that there’s another future state where you’re intentional, where you’re in control, where you’re meeting your needs proactively. And that’s the beauty of this journey, because the solution is like you have to live a great life.

[00:19:18] What the hell does that mean? No one told us how to do that. Well, that means that you’ve got to deal with and structurally and in a very deliberate and an intentional way, address the reality that your central nervous system is getting compounded in the way that you react to that central nervous system is like making things worse. Is net unhealthy. Net unhealthy. But listen, go back again, Paul, and look, you know, I’m going to post this or you’ll see it uploaded on live wherever it goes on whatever channel on YouTube. Yeah, it’ll be there. You know, go back to the beginning, because wherever you are in your journey, the sooner I can drive home the point that you, all of your bad habits are, are meeting needs in the way that you were trained to meet those needs. So just like when I throw a ball at your face, your hand reaches up and grabs it. You’ve been trained to react that way. You might be slower as a grown up, but but, but, but certainly there’s a like an automatic instantaneous reaction. Well, there’s also an automatic, instantaneous reaction. I don’t know your relationship status, but for guys who are married, when their partner says something and makes a face and raises their voice and reacts in a way or ask them the question, right, There’s a physiological response in that moment. That physiological response in that moment was also trained. What’s their reaction to being small and wounded by getting angry was also trained. The lie that they told about the stupid thing that they didn’t even need to lie about was also trained using sex as a coping strategy to manage a, you know, a, you know, likely a deeply wounded, central nervous system.

[00:21:26] Who trained all trained conditioned responses. So so that that was really the point of this broadcast was I get that it’s a problem. Also, make sure you are thinking about it as a solution because that perspective will help you come up with better solutions. He. Awesome. Let me know any question before we wrap up. So nice of you all to join me. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. There is a whole pile. That’s the cool part. When you start, stop treating, you know. Focusing on the make a habit part of the equation and which is self esteem, self-care, self-love. The very the levers that you can pull to exercise self-control, every aspect of your life gets better in your sexual you get healthier, healthier. All right, man. Peace of love, brothers. I’ll see you on my next broadcast. Make it great.

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